I don't remember exactly when I started feeling like something was off, but it was somewhere in the neighborhood of the beginning of 2010. I've always had an eerie ability to know something bad was coming...that something just wasn't right. It was then that I started having odd dreams, waking up in a panic, just feeling off. That was also right around the time that I found out I was pregnant with Isaac. Isaac Matthew, my sweet little oopsie baby. Don't get me wrong, after the initial shock of the positive pregnancy test, I embraced it. But I would be lying if I told you I wasn't scared shitless at first. Here we are, two kids already in a 3 bedroom house; debt, stress and normal family issues that I'm all but certain that everyone has, and now we're throwing this brand new bit of life into the mix. We had two kids, no diapers, no naps...we were finally getting a taste of what it would be like to have a little bit of freedom. Freedom to be adults, to share time alone with each other, freedom to enjoy the things we had yet to experience. We were so young when we married, so young when we had Nathan. I wouldn't trade that for the world, but I also know that there are things we were both missing...that both of us wished for.
I remember telling Stephen with a hint of a smile in the corner of my lips, and looking into his eyes and seeing pure fear. Pure sadness. Pure guilt. He tried to hide it, but I knew. I have been with him for half of my life...I can normally look at him and know where others can't. I remember telling him how scared I was, and him telling me that it would be okay. "We'll figure this out." he said. Just a few weeks prior we had a conversation where we both agreed that we may have another baby, but we were going to wait. Wait and see what life handed to us first. And then life handed us this.
Some nights I sit with Isaac while he watches Elmo and I just stare at him...I think about what our lives would be like without him. His smile, his sweet hazel eyes, his dimple that he gets when he laughs. I wonder what it would be like. Would we be where we are now? Honestly, I don't know. And honestly, at this point I don't care. Because no matter what, I can't imagine my life without him. He is part of my heart. Part of my soul just like his brothers.
Just like his dad.
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